Today I am not okay

For the last 2 months my mental health, specifically social anxiety, has been deteriorating and last night I was in hospital.

It was voluntary. I was scared I would do something stupid and permanent. I needed to be somewhere safe from myself.

I had to discharge myself early because my aspie hypersensory issues were starting to show the early warning signs of meltdown. Hospitals are not autism friendly places but I sincerely appreciate the nurses and drs respect for my decision not to accept drugs. I am always wary of the adverse side effects of autism and drugs.

(Disclaimer: I do not recommend refusing prescribed drugs. This is my personal choice. Natural recovery is bloody hard work and requires 110% full-time commitment and a lot of strength. However, I do suggest talking to your care professional about complimentary natural therapies and using drugs only short-term until you’re back on your feet. Schizophrenia and manic depression require ongoing assistance balancing chemicals in the brain, 100% natural recovery is NOT an option)

The psychological pain has been as debilitating as the physical pain and last night it became too much, I could no longer cope.

I don’t want to die but I’m tired of living. I don’t have the stamina to keep fighting.

Anxiety is experienced differently for each person but hope if you do not understand anxiety now you will never understand it from lived experience. I don’t wish that on anybody. It is hell condensed into your cranium causing havoc with your senses, safety and space. It distorts reality and thought. It can feel like you are dying or that death is the only way to escape the pain and fear.

My social anxiety came back in June after the cattle road train driver tried killing me. It was manageable until November while I was still able to walk and escape anonymously to quiet and pretty places when the relapses were more difficult to walk and meditate through. But the further I walked south, into denser populations, the more often I needed to hide away. 

My ability to cope with anxiety was weakened by the increasing pain from injuries and the fear of failure brought with it. I had injuries pestering me for months but I could block the pain. It required a lot of energy and will power to manage the pain without drugs. The only times I resorted to using paracetamol and ibuprofen was when the pain started interfering with my eyesight and threatening blackouts.

The combination of pain and anxiety management was exhausting alone but I kept walking, never giving up until I could physically no longer put weight on my injuries without blacking out.

Since the day I was forced to stop and take a long rest I have battled against feeling like a failure and feeling trapped. I have started loathing myself and selfharming through comfort eating (I know where to find all the convenient vegan junk foods).

Unable to sit, stretch, exercise or even stand long enough to prepare a meal without severe pain I have not been able to self care so the decline in my mental and physical health has been rapid and feels uncontrollable.

There are many other factors at play here but I won’t go into detail except the one which almost pushed me too far last night.

I hate what I am. I live everyday knowing I am a burden on whoever has offered to give me shelter. I dream of love once I complete this walk but in reality that will never happen. Nobody needs this in their life, I will never let anyone close enough to become their burden, they will be pushed away for their own wellbeing. In 2016 I was confronted and almost crippled by loneliness. Not the solitude of aloneness I thrive on but the realisation that the people I love are far away and didn’t call to see if I was okay. To know you are not loved, are unlovable and a burden is not easy to live with so why bother. Why live if welcome solitude becomes an empty life.

Unfortunately, I have no solutions right now. I will continue to apply the therapies and activities I can do without pain and try not to stress about how much physiotherapy is costing (it will be more than $1,000) and focus on the beauty of Nature. 

I know from lived experience, surviving 3 suicide attempts and many relapses, these feelings will not last long. Tomorrow, next week, next month I will be stronger.

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12 thoughts on “Today I am not okay

  1. Hi Terra,,,,I would like you to know you were never a burden to me and others while you were here…in fact it was such a pleasure to meet you, and get to know you all be it for a small time….your more than welcome here anytime….also you are not a failure…far from it…you are more than you realise my friend….so much more…xxxx

    I was just wondering have you ever thought of hypnotherapy to help you thru..I have tried it and I love it…but I understand it may not be for you and I am only suggesting it as a possibility…xxxxx take care and be well..

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  2. Hi Terra, I have just discovered your blog and have read only a bit, but I am so moved by the rawness and honesty with which you write that I need to say something. What you’ve accomplished so far is truly incredible. You have so much to be proud about, even if you were to stop now. But it is taking a toll on your physical and mental health which you must now put foremost. If that means fly home to spend time with friends and rest, then do it!

    You mentioned your interest on bushwalk.com in reading other blogs, and I can recommend walkingwithwired.com, by a female blogger about your age currently walking the Te Araroa trail, having just completed in Australia the Larapinta, Bibbulmun and Cape to Cape trails. Check it out!

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    1. Thanks Rolf. Thanks for the name of that great blog. I’ll check it in more detail. I think that hike is on many of our bucket lists but we have some excellent through hikes in Australia for those of us who cannot afford to be away so long. After a stint of wild seclusion for recovery i will be back on track. Catch you out there on the trails.

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  3. Hi Terra, I had the reach out and reply. What you’ve done and the way you approach life is so inspiring. The experiences you’ve had are terrible. But you keep going and you keep fighting and for that you are an inspiration to me. Sending you lots of hugs. Jayson

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  4. I’m sorry that I have only just managed to read this today. I hope you are faring ok, if not well then at least managing. Feeling like a burden suggests you feel you offered nothing in your encounters with others. I would like to say in my case you always offer inspiration, love, kindness, unique insights, thoughtfulness and strength, priceless!!

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  5. Beautiful Lady. You have the strength to ask for help and I am so glad you do. I can not offer much advice as you know I am dealing with my own mental health drama’s but please remember I love you and respect you so much. xo

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